人们常常会在现实中迷失自己,因为这样或者那样的缘故
但常常一个不惹眼的细节,可能是某个场景似曾相识,又或许是空气中漂浮着的某种情绪
让尘封已久的记忆被缓慢地拉开帷幕
那一瞬间,我记起了我是谁,心底的那个自己

这样的瞬间中,感性远远超过了理性
脑海中不断弥散的意念淹没了前一秒种的思索
断残的身影在幻觉的世界里游荡
无力伸出的双手抓住的其实只是自己美好的愿望

这时,嘴角会有淡淡的微笑
纪念久违的自己

我们在不停地忙碌着,想做一只勤劳的蜗牛
却往往忽视了内心真正的需要

深夜里,能让我找回自己的
只是一首我钟爱的rock

These days I was crazy watching "One Tree Hill"
I remember that there is a actor's line
"You can find yourself in One Tree Hill"
Yep, I guess that's the reason I am in love with this OMTV. 

Peyton, the beautiful tragic girl, reminds me of myself.
I mean, I am not that beautiful, although I hope to .
People always leave, Peyton's word
She lost two mums, one is her foster mum, the one she has so much love in
The another is her biological mum, it's pretty hard for her to accept this mum
But this mum still passed away even Peyton let her in.
Then is Jack and his little daughter Jenny, the ones she wants to be a family with
Brooke, her best friend for 10 years. Guess love is always selfish, ha?
And finally Luke, the boy she really falls in love with, had a heart attack and remained unconscious when they finally were together
She still has a father, foster father, but most days he spends in a year are on his boat.
Besides, she got shot, and got attacked
It's too hard for her being through these
At least as far as I am concerned, I can't wholly stand up for such a long time after my father's death 

People sometimes just cannot accept the truth, they want a reasonable answer
Why decent people can't get a happy ending
If this is the case, do we still need to be nice? 

Keith said, it's just life, you can't expect to get an answer from life, just accept it, live the best for yourself
And believe everything is gonna be alright 

But we are still scared sometime, aren't we? Especially when we are alone
People we love just left so suddenly, and would never come back
We are told to be strong, strong enough to beat the fear
But what are we gonna do if no one is standing behind you, accompanying you, tutoring you to be yourself, let the past go away
Possibly hide yourself, shut the door from the outside, not let anybody in your heart 

These days I am doing my job around the shanghai pudong international airport
It reminds me the day I come back from USA in 2005
I took the airport shuttle bus to get home, accidentally meeting with my father
I was so touched at that moment, because I didn't tell my family which bus station and when I would arrive at
He just found me so magically.
So many memories, you can't bury it to release your pain since it has already been one part of you 

I do miss him, so does my mum
Does he miss us?
Is there a heaven out of our sight?
Can I meet him in my dream if I wish to?
Crouching in the corner crying in every lonely night, just like Peyton
We doubt what is left for us to live since we all know that no matter what life is gonna to be in the future, the hurt exists forever 

Wow, guess life is dark, sucks and no hope?
But unfortunately, we have to fight no matter how dark it is
Such action is usually not for ourselves, but people we love and are still beside us
And being through this, somehow you can find hope, now it's for yourself, really 

At least, I have mum who I love so much, my boyfriend, my relatives, and my dear friends
Just like Peyton, still having her father, a brand new brother, and by the way, Luke is awake now
Still hope, ha?
Yep, still hope, everything is gonna be alright 

Don't be miserable, Helen
If there is only way to get yourself back, it's just taking the courage, facing the reality, and fight back toughly
Learn something, honey, drawing, music, language, just anything you like, making the life vivid and sanppy again
When you are old telling story to your grandson, maybe you are gonna be proud of your courage to get yourself a second life
I am sure your mum, your husband, your kids, your friends will also be proud of you
And, your father is proud of you. 

Thanks, "One Tree Hill", thank you for healing me.
The hurt in my heart, is pretty serious.
For a long time, I thought that no one can heal me, even my boyfriend, or my mum.
I don't mean they don't want to, just not in my way. They love me, I know that.
I feel warm when I am with you, and it's first time that I told myself I had to stop crying like a baby
No one can be my babysitter forever, I grow up, which means I should learn to behave like an adult
I mean, look at Peyton, she is still in high school, life is unfair, but there is not another way out but be brave.
sure maybe you guys will say, it's just a TV, Helen
Yep, I know, TV needs to be dramatic to appeal the eyeball, but it also reflects the real life, it does. 

It looks like I broke out. These feelings have been stuck in my stomach for quite a long time, it feels really released to speak it out.
I will be brave, just like Peyton Sawyer.
 

有些伤痛
上帝也无法安慰

有些罪过
上帝也不愿原谅

有些未来
上帝也不敢期待

有些绝望
上帝也只能无奈

这就是人生
慢慢的
我们就会明白
"Life sucks"
其实是真理

originally cold, try to be warm
but something just fails regardless you wanna it to be or not to be

faith is out of our control
All we can do is to watch it pass

坐在公车上,会慢慢想起
翻着老照片,会慢慢想起
忙碌着事情,会慢慢想起

至今仍半信半疑,因为过于残酷
那短暂时刻所凝聚的摧毁力
将我的心震碎
如满地的玻璃

在未来的路上艰难前行
却不问自己的肩可以负荷多少
虽然已逝去
却永远在我的心中
让身体的每个细胞都不由得多了一份坚忍

我还能回到过去的我吗?
我还会有发自内心的灿烂笑容吗?
褪去伪装坚强的面具
今夜让我放声痛哭

生活有了一个断层
不顾我是否能够接受
硬生生地突然来袭

所有的悲痛都还未曾淡去
眼前只有模糊的影子
半游离的状态维持着自己的生命
脑海时而汹涌翻腾时而苍茫悲凉

无法接受的事实,却是事实
唯有期待时间,可以慢慢化解心中的悲怆

拷问自己生命的意义在于何处
为何人生是那样的戏剧化
这一切的一切,本该只是那一出出戏
谁也料不到如此真实地降临

心里的郁结,一天天地加深
太多的事情想不明白,猜不透
太多太多的不应该

却也是人生如梦
抓不到的梦

我还是要继续自己的生活
人前人后的坚强
哪怕只是一种伪装